The Leadership Practice You Think Is Selfish (But Actually Isn't)
Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash
Self-advocacy.
What if self-advocating is actually one of the most generous things you can do as a leader?
I know how that sounds. Many leaders I coach have been conditioned to believe that directly asking for what they need—whether it's specific communication from their team, resources from their leadership, or collaboration standards from peers—somehow makes them seem demanding or difficult or even creates a deep sense of guilt.
Here's what may actually be happening without self-advocating: nearly half your team doesn't know what you expect from them,* you don’t really trust them, and you're working longer hours trying to fill the gaps. The missing piece isn't more effort—it's speaking up on your own behalf.
Self-advocacy is the practice of identifying what you need and want to do your best work, then clearly communicating those preferences to create the conditions where you—and everyone around you—can contribute maximum value.
The Self-Advocacy Paradox
Many leaders are exceptional at advocating for their teams, fighting for resources, and speaking up when others are treated unfairly. But when it comes to advocating for themselves? They go silent. They assume it's selfish or that they should be able to handle everything on their own.
That's an old narrative that perpetuating symptoms like:
You're working longer hours but feeling less productive and effective
You don't trust or feel supported by your team
You're frustrated that others don't communicate the way you prefer (e.g. too many Slack messages, long emails, etc.)
You feel obligated to say yes to “do you have a minute?”
You feel stuck doing the tactical work yourself because it seems “faster” than taking time to delegate
You find yourself constantly interrupted to make basic decisions or put out fires
When leaders don't self-advocate, everyone suffers.
Your team, peers, and leaders want to support you, so let them and unlock a more rewarding way of working together. Advocate for what you need (and encourage others to do the same) to establish trust, communicate effectively, set expectations, minimize interruptions, share the workload, empower decision-making, and, ultimately, build a high-performing team.
Step 1 Get Clear on What You Need
As you begin your self-advocating journey, give yourself the permission to consider:
Your optimal working conditions. When do you do your best thinking? How do you prefer to receive information? What type of work energizes versus drains you?
Your communication preferences. Do you need time to process before responding? Do you prefer written summaries or verbal updates? How often do you want check-ins?
Your support requirements. What resources do you need to be successful? What decisions can be made with and without you? Where do you want input and collaboration from others?
Your boundaries. What work aligns with your highest value? What tasks could others handle? Where do you need to say no to say yes to what matters most?
This isn't about being high-maintenance. It's about understanding how you best operate so you can communicate your needs clearly.
Step 2 Communicate Your Needs
Once you're clear on what you need and want, the next step is communicating it intentionally. There are a lot of good and trustworthy people around that want to support you.
With your team: "I'm most effective when I can focus on strategic decisions while you handle day-to-day execution. Let's establish clear escalation criteria and weekly check-in rhythms."
With your boss: "I deliver my best work when I have clear outcomes and the autonomy to determine the process. Can we establish key milestones and the level of involvement you'd like?"
With your peers: "For our collaboration to be most effective, I need 24-hour notice for urgent requests and prefer email for non-urgent communication. Here's how I can best support you in return."
This is where self-advocacy becomes leadership—you're not just asking for what you need, you're setting clear expectations that help everyone work more effectively toward the common vision and goals.
Step 3 Test, Learn, and Adjust
Self-advocacy isn't a one-time conversation—it's an ongoing practice of refinement:
Start small: Pick one area where clearer communication could make an immediate difference
Be specific: Instead of "I need more support," try "I need 30 minutes weekly to review priorities and remove obstacles"
Pay attention: Notice what works and what doesn't. Are you getting what you need? How are others responding?
Adjust as needed: Your needs may change as your role evolves. Keep observing and communicating.
The leaders who excel at this create feedback loops—they regularly check in on whether the expectations they've set are working for everyone involved.
| Real-Client Experience: Protecting Time
A client came to me on the brink of burnout. Through our work together, she got clear on what she needed—better protection of her time as the senior leader in the organization (Step 1: What You Need). Initially, she wanted to test protecting her time + energy on her own. We experimented with several approaches: only accepting priority morning meetings, one work-from-home day per week, door signage for privacy, to name a few. Some worked and others didn't.
What she really observed through this testing phase was that she had a soft spot for allowing interruptions. When someone would ask "Are you busy?" her honest answer was "yes," but she'd always say "no, come in" and made space for the intrusion. After noticing this pattern happening repeatedly—and realizing that on many occasions she wasn't even the best resource for their questions—she knew she needed to advocate for a different solution.
She identified exactly what support she needed and who could provide it: someone to help filter interruptions and hold her accountable to focusing on her leadership priorities each day. When she approached this employee with her specific request (Step 2: Communication Needs), they were thrilled to help. The result? She got more time back to focus on her best strategic work, and her new assistant was promoted into a role that honored her strengths and career growth. They continue to communicate and evolve their system to ensure burnout doesn't creep back in (Step 3: Test, Learn, Adjust). A win-win that started with one honest conversation about what she truly needed.
What Self-Advocacy Unlocks
When you advocate for the conditions that help you do your best work—when you're clear about what you need and how others can support you—you're not being demanding or difficult. You're creating space for everyone around you to thrive. You're modeling that it's safe to ask for what you need. You're eliminating the guesswork that leads to frustration and missed opportunities.
The results speak for themselves: Leaders who practice strategic self-advocacy see 22% increases in productivity and 30% increases in employee engagement.**
Self-advocacy isn't selfish—it's necessary. And when done well, it's one of the most generous gifts you can give yourself, your team, and your organization.
What’s one expectation have you been hoping others would figure out to better support you?
References:
*Betterworks Research on Employee Expectations, 2023.
**ClearCompany Employee Engagement Research, 2024.