The Difficult Conversation You've Been Rehearsing for Months
Photo by Amber Weir on Unsplash
You know the one. It lives rent-free in your mind during your morning shower, your commute, that 3am wake-up. You've practiced it seventeen different ways. You've role-played both sides. You've even googled "how to have difficult conversations" (again), as if the perfect framework will somehow make it easier.
Here's what October's coaching sessions revealed: nearly every leader is sitting on at least one conversation they've been avoiding. Not because they don't know how to structure feedback. Not because they lack the words. But because somewhere along the way, we've conflated truth with avoidance.
Signs You're Stuck in Rehearsal Mode
□ You've practiced the conversation in the shower (multiple times)
□ You've googled variations of "difficult conversations" this month
□ You're venting to others instead of addressing it directly
□ You're working around the problem rather than through it
□ You've told yourself "maybe it will resolve itself"
□ The conversation hijacks your thoughts during quiet moments
□ You've considered waiting until their performance review
If you checked 2 or more, keep reading. You're not alone.
Harvard research found that only 4 out of 212 people told someone they had a visible smudge on their face - even when it costs nothing to speak up. If people struggle with feedback that simple, no wonder leaders are avoiding the truly difficult conversations. They are spending hours managing around problems, creating elaborate workarounds, redistributing work, compensating for gaps, all to avoid that moment of discomfort. The mental load of avoidance has become heavier than the conversation itself.
But here's the real pattern that has caught my attention and is backed by research:
The same leaders avoiding giving feedback systematically underestimate how much others want to receive it. We're all walking around protecting ourselves from the very thing we're starving for - truth delivered with care. 72% of employees rate "managers providing critical feedback" as important for career development, yet only 5% believe managers actually provide it.
When we do the role reversal exercise in coaching, leaders realize they're withholding the exact type of feedback they desperately crave. Research shows that people consistently rate their desire for feedback higher when imagining themselves as the receiver than when imagining themselves as the giver. We overestimate the negative consequences for ourselves while underestimating the benefits for others.
Let's name what's actually happening. That conversation you're avoiding? It's not about performance metrics or project delays. It's about disappointing someone. It's about being seen as the "bad guy." It's about the vulnerability of potentially getting it wrong.
The breakthrough isn't in finding better words - it's in accepting that discomfort is part of leadership. That fifteen seconds of awkwardness as you start the conversation is nothing compared to the months of dysfunction you're enabling by staying quiet. Four out of ten employees who receive little to no feedback are actively disengaged from their work - and being actively disengaged typically means they're ready to leave.
Your team doesn't need you to be comfortable. They need you to be clear. They're not hoping you'll avoid the conversation - 75% of employees who do receive feedback feel it's incredibly important to their work, and they're wondering why it's taking so long.
A recent coaching session, a client was struggling with giving feedback to her direct report about their tone and approach in executive presentations. The feedback felt too personal, too soft-skill focused, potentially offensive. Classic avoidance territory because she was afraid of negatively impacting the relationship and trust.
We did the role reversal exercise and she put herself in her direct report's shoes. "Take a deep breath. Imagine your manager had critical feedback about your tone and approach in executive presentations. How would it feel to receive it directly?"
She paused. "Harsh. Potentially demotivating. Hard to hear without feeling personally attacked."
Then I asked her to imagine it's five years later. She's moved on from the company and meets her former manager to catch-up. Over coffee, she discovers her manager had noticed this issue all along but never said anything because they "didn't want to hurt her feelings and potentially impact their working relationship."
"How would you respond?"
Without hesitation: "I'd wish she had told me. Even though it would've been difficult to hear."
Exactly. High performers want the hard feedback—it illuminates their blind spots. They'd rather struggle through an uncomfortable conversation than discover years later they were operating with incomplete information about their performance.
But here's the nuance my client discovered as we did the role reversal: wanting feedback doesn't mean wanting it delivered carelessly. When the feedback is about interpersonal skills like tone and executive presence, the delivery method matters even more. Instead of direct criticism about what went wrong, she chose to coach her direct report through preparing for the next executive presentation. "Let's talk about how executives receive and process information differently. What if we practice the tone and refine the content with an executive lens?"
Same feedback. Different container. The gift was still given.
What if that conversation you've been rehearsing is actually a gift you've been withholding? What if your avoidance isn't protecting anyone - it's instead preventing growth? The research is clear: 83% of employees appreciate feedback, whether positive or negative. They're not fragile. They're waiting and trusting you.
Go ahead, stop rehearsing and deliver the truth with care.
DELIVERING TRUTH WITH CARE
Specificity Matters.
Name exactly what needs to be discussed. Vagueness breeds avoidance; clarity creates action.
You Care.
Let them know their growth and success matters to you. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t share.
Delivery Matters.
Will the feedback land better as preparation for their next interaction or as a skill-building conversation. The gift of feedback matters, and so does its wrapping.
References
Abi-Esber, N., Abel, J. E., Schroeder, J., & Gino, F. (2022). "Just letting you know…": Underestimating others' desire for constructive feedback. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 123(6), 1362-1385. DOI: 10.1037/pspi0000393
Gallup. (2021). "How Fast Feedback Fuels Performance." Workplace Insights. Read the report
McKinsey & Company. Survey of 12,000 managers on feedback and career development. Referenced in Harvard Business School Working Knowledge (2022).
Oak Engage. (2022). "10 Employee Feedback Statistics You Need." Read the article
Peaceful Leaders Academy. (2025). "63 Employee Feedback Statistics in 2025." View the statistics
Zippia. (2023). "20 Essential Employee Feedback Statistics." View the statistics